My greatest strength is also my greatest fallibility.
I know this is the case for most people. I’m just trying to sift through the implications of my particular combination.
I am insatiably curious, always wanting to learn. I love learning for its own sake, and it’s an extra bonus if I can simultaneously be helping friends on interesting projects. Because I seek out information from everywhere, it feeds my ability to see things from many sides and view multiple perspectives as equally valid and true.
I am also loathe to turn down opportunities to learn and do new things, and often find myself stretched way too thin. I value the act of learning itself over any material gain, and as a result find that I’m often overcommitted in terms of time without a complementary large flow of income. Right now I have a full time job, am trying to start a new business, and am trying to be sure that I also spend enough time on various activities that feed my soul, including seeing my friends. I have been feeling recently that I have lost this balance. I am already feeling guilty for having stepped back my current role on my films. I have also recently been approached about other interesting work and feel myself pulled to see if I should do them.
I see many options as valid and often find I have a hard time figuring out what I actually want. I’ve been trying to tap into feeling my own excitement and am confronting the fact that it’s often catalyzed more by novelty or difficulty than anything else. If it’s new or if I’m going to have to learn a lot to do it, I’m more likely to feel engaged and excited.
One thing I have had a lifelong resistance to: routine. In the past, as soon as anything got too predictable I felt the urge to change it. I have the capacity to be insanely focused for a period of time but then after that have generally either felt the need to augment, change, or depart. This has maxed out at 3 years so far.
So where this leads me: One of the things that I’m starting to understand is that consistency may be the key to success in the areas that I want my life to grow. And I’m feeling afraid because that’s not really my strong suit. I’d say that I’m more likely to have been criticized for inconsistency than anything else.
I’m not sure how to get through this. Maybe I only need to lock in to a consistent routine for 3 years and then figure it out after that…
I’m going to be thinking about this a lot. It feels like a big one to sort out.