Breaking Points

I don’t know if, as I get older, it’s because I have more to compare things to or because I’m simply getting less tolerant, but it seems that I am bumping up against my breaking points more frequently. There are certain behaviors which I find I will not tolerate. I find that I’m able to see them earlier on and catch them before they do real damage. Not all, not all, but more with each passing year. Maybe in the past I was more able to let them roll off my back… Actually I know that the truth is really that, more often than not, I didn’t stand up for myself and what I wanted. (There are oh so many reasons for my considering my own needs subservient to others’ needs or to the desire to maintain equilibrium but I really don’t feel like going into them right now.) Things are changing as I get more confidence and am less willing to waste time. I am no longer so afraid of confrontation — particularly after I started to realize that the short term pain of tackling issues head-on will be often be far less damaging than the slow drip of resentment eating away at the core of a relationship like the ooze of an acid leak.

People think I’m direct. I know I still have a long way to go before I am actually expressing all that I need to say — but I will acknowledge that I’m doing better. I will always feel others’ feelings and hate it when I’m the source of hurt or resentment. This sometimes causes me to delay saying something that I’m sure another doesn’t want to hear — but I’m learning that in the end I will say what needs to be said. I’m not willing to be less empathic at the same time I’m not willing to just pretend that everything’s ok. I don’t want to learn to be hard and at the same time I don’t want to be a pushover any more. If I can figure this out, I do know that it’s the right way to go. But I still have so much to learn…

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